I Promise...

Well, I have about 3 other blog posts that I have started over the past few months about various and sundry things.  None of them are finished and, to be honest, I'm not sure if all of them will be finished.  Ever.  But.  But, I wanted to write tonight because I needed to share something that has been in my heart, on my chest and taking up residence in my brain for a while.  I wanted to share with you all why I Promise...to be honest.  And that's exactly it.  I promise to be honest.

I spent years...seriously, YEARS...trying to hide my feelings and opinions.  Eventually I learned that I didn't need to hide them all of the time.  After the ridiculous Kleenex soaked tantrums stopped from that realization (hey, I was in high school/college at the time and still a teenager...I plead hormones in this case), I have tried very, very, very hard to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling, thinking and doing, despite how it may across to others.  And I have been very successful at that over the years - most of the time.  Or, I should say, I have been very honest with myself and a few select, trusted others.  And I say that because I have learned that I am a very reserved person.  Not many people get to see the real me - the goofy, fun loving, occasional tantrum causing, emotional, caring, loving, feisty, stubborn, silly, nice person - that I am.  There have been times - usually in the middle of complete and total dramatic breakdowns - that I have told the other person/people that they should be grateful because I am showing them the "real" me.  At the time, they are always like, "WHA-?!?!?!?!"  But it's true, even if it doesn't seem like it when they are faced with a raging she-demon.  I obviously trust them enough with my heart, brain and soul to show them the me that I am not at all proud of and to believe that they will still love me afterwards.  And so, here I am.  Taking a risk.  I am here to share with the entire world, or at least those people that are Facebook friends with me and those who read this blog, exactly who I am in this time that I feel the most vulnerable that I have ever felt...motherhood.

I promise to the world and those above, right now, to be honest.  I was reading an article earlier tonight that talked about the "Pinterest-stress" that most mothers/women feel.  Well, I'm totally guilty.  I am here to tell you that I suffer from Pinterestitist.  I suffer from the desire to be a perfect wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, teacher, WOMAN.  See, the unintentional thing that happens from those kind of websites and media is that people feel the need to be perfectly crafty, perfectly clean, perfectly "chef-y", perfectly...perfect.  And I love Pinterest.  And I won't stop.  BUT, I think it's important to note and recognize that the creators of those pins that we all love are. not. perfect. either.  It can just be hard to show to the whole world.  Sooooo...here I am.  A new mother.  Facing totally new, unfathomably huge, incredibly rewarding emotions/decisions/opinions.  And I promise to be honest.

I promise to be honest...

• that I was one of "those moms", the "Breast-apo," that thought formula was horrible and breast milk was the only way to go, "if you were a good mom."  That it was the worst thing in the world and it was only "okay" if a mom had a medical reason to do it.  Well, I'm here to tell you that I am a formula mom.  Yes, I had a medical reason to do it - which I have learned doesn't matter one iota.  Yes, it was hard at first (emotionally and physically to wean), but OH.MY.GOD.  is it awesome!  David is on an expensive formula due to his milk protein allergy, and that totally sucks, but it is so freeing.  My body is my own and it is great.  Andy can feed him and he loves it.  David is thriving and that is excellent. So, I hereby apologize for being an ignorant, judgy, sancti-mom who thought she knew everything before feeling what it was like to be on "the other side."  (I hate the "Mommy wars."  They really piss me off.  Leave each other alone.  Every mom I know is going about it in a different way and we are all doing our best.  Our children are happy and growing.  That's all I ask from my fellow mothers.)

• that I feed David pre-made, store-bought baby food.  GASP!  Although, we switched from Gerber to Beechnut because, for some reason, the glass jar that Beechnut comes in makes it a much better food.  Seriously...not.  It's just cheaper and on sale more than Gerber.  Here's the deal, people.  Being a working mom is HARD.  That's right, I used capital letters.  I am wiped out when I pick David up from daycare at the end of my work day.  I am tired on the weekends and really would rather spend my days relaxing and playing with him than steaming and pureeing baby food.  And, you know what?  I like it.  I like that it's ready for me.  I like that the ingredients are the exact same that I would put into homemade baby food.  But, here's the thing.  I don't like that I feel judged when people ask me, "Why don't you make your own?' or "Have you tried organic?"  Well...I have my reasons why not and, holy sh-t people, have you seen how expensive organic baby food is!?!?!  Plus, it's not really any of your business.  Even if you think it is.  My child, my son, my heart, is thriving.  He is happy, he is healthy, he is growing, he is learning.  That's all I can ask for as a mother.

• that there are days that I think, 'what the heck did we get ourselves into?"  When I was pregnant, I was focused on getting the nursery ready, setting up a registry, and dealing with my daily discomforts.  Having a baby was this distant, dreamy thing.  Every time I thought of it, things were happening perfectly as they should.  There was no way I was actually prepared for what life was like when you bring a baby into it.  I love it.  It is amazing.  And it is hard.  You are sleep deprived.  As the mom (simply due to biology), you are more emotional, more hormonal and more irrational than you have ever been.  No amount of classes can prepare you for what it is really like.  You have a totally new identity.  Whoever you were before is still there.  I am still a wife, friend, teacher, sister, daughter, cousin, niece, etc.  But, I am also a MOTHER.  And that is a whole different ball game.  I am now responsible for the health and well-being of another human.  He is mine.  Andy and I made him.  I grew him.  I birthed him.  We love him.  We nurture him.  And we are, sometimes, super STRESSED!  It is a lot harder than we were prepared for.

• that having a baby takes its toll on relationships.  Obviously, being a parent changes how easily you can go out.  A trusted babysitter is needed, your child shouldn't be sick (at least, we don't feel okay having him be watched by someone else as an infant when he is sick), you need to plan in advance to get said babysitter, etc.  Plus, your friends tend to change.  It's just easier to spend time with people who have kids of a similar age or women who are or have been pregnant, so you can share your birth stories.  (I never understood the morbid fascination/need to share something so private until I became a mother.  Just the other day I was talking to the assistant director of David's daycare about what real contractions and your water breaking feels like.  To be fair, she is 35 weeks pregnant and asked.  But still.)  And then, it takes a toll on your marriage.  There, I said it.  I am married to one of the most amazing men in the world.  And there are times when things are not at all wonderful.  Being responsible for another human being is tiring and it can mean that you are exhausted once there is finally time for you as a couple.  We are still working on this. And, to be honest, there are many times that I am scared because of what I saw as a child with my own parents' relationship (they were divorced - but for totally different reasons.  It was still hard, though.). My husband is the most wonderful man who brings me back to reality and what we have to be grateful for.  I promise you that we try each other's patience, like, every day.  But he's there.  He understands.  We know that this is a phase and we will get through this.

• that even though I post those super cute photos of David on Facebook, it's not easy to get them.  Usually I take about a hundred or so pictures (thank you to the "speed" photo option on our camera) and find those select 10 or so.  He's usually yawning, not looking, crying or, lately, launching himself forward to crawl away, playing with the props, etc.  It's a two-person job and it takes patience.  Yes, my beautiful boy is a happy, wonderful child, but it is no easy task to take his picture.

I promise, world, that life is not perfect.  Don't let media sites, other people, etc. tell you differently.  They are merely trying to convince themselves that they have a wonderful life.  Well, I am here to tell you that I do not have a perfect life.  I have spit-up, arguments, laughter, smiles, blow-outs, snarly comments, kisses, hugs, brief caresses, etc.  And I wouldn't change it for the world.