Waiting, Waiting, Waiting...

I think the hardest part of this entire pregnancy is happening right now: waiting.  Yep, you heard me!  I think this part is WAY harder than the lower back pain, nausea, waddling around, heartburn, etc.  This waiting is really taking a toll on me - not physically, but mentally and emotionally.  I've found that it really breaks down into 3 major emotions:

• Impatience/Boredom - Isn't it funny how these two feelings show up together?  I mean, think about being a little kid stuck inside on a rainy day.  You're bored and really just can't wait for the weather to clear up so that you can go outside and play.  So, you wander around and get into everyone's business.  Nothing you usually enjoy actually sounds fun on those days - movies will really only get you so far, video games are pretty boring if you've been staring at a t.v. for hours anyway, your books don't sound interesting, and everyone and everything starts to annoy you.  Well, that's me - the little kid stuck inside, waiting.  Except, I don't think I'm nearly as cute.  :-)  Plus, I'm BORED!  I'm pretty sick of not having any energy to do things.  I would love to be able to cook dinner without being tired, run errands, go for longer walks, etc.  It would also be nice to feel like I was a bigger help around the house.  I've managed to gather up all of our Christmas decorations and put them in a huge pile in our family room, but that is as far as I've gotten.  The final step just seems like it will require SO much energy!  So, I wake up each morning and wonder, is today the day?  Will he finally show up today?  And I am hopeful!  I hope that it is the day, that he will decide to arrive...and one of these days, he will.  But, until then, I will impatiently await his arrival.

• Anticipation - Okay, so I also feel like a little kid who is counting down the days until Christmas. Remember those times?  When you just CAN'T WAIT for Christmas morning because you just know that Santa will have come and left you the most amazing gifts ever.  It's a time full of so much magic, whimsy and excitement.  Well, that's how I feel right now, too!  I CANNOT WAIT for the day that this little one arrives because it will be the most amazing gift ever.  The hard part is just not knowing when he will decide to arrive.  But, I am so excited to meet him.  I often find myself wondering what he will look like.  Does he have 8 arms and legs?  Because, it sure as heck feels like that at times!  Will he look more like Andy or me or his own special self?  Will he have a nose?  Eyes?  Ears?  What color will his eyes end up being?  Will he have a head full of hair?  Will he even have a head?  Is his head big enough?  I haven't been able to tell where his head is for WEEKS!  I know where all 8 of his arms and legs are, but his head seems to be a mystery object...hopefully he's got one!  ;-)  He and I have spent so much time together snuggling already, I am so looking forward to when I can count his fingers, toes, arms and look into his eyes.  Oh, this anticipation is killing me!!!

• Anxiety - I think this one is actually the hardest for me to handle.  And it actually has nothing to do with actually being in labor and fearing the pain.  I find myself so incredibly excited about meeting him (and finally getting to be done being pregnant) that I am actually looking forward to being in labor and at the hospital.  Weird, huh?  But, I guess I feel that when I am at the hospital, it will mean it is finally time and experts will be there to help and make sure that everyone is healthy at the end.  No, my anxiety actually stems from not knowing when it is going to happen, where it is going to happen and having absolutely no control over any of that.  I have the craziest scenarios running through my  mind: my water will break at work (actually a pretty big fear and totally possible!); I won't know that I am in labor and will end up having this baby on my kitchen floor (not likely, I know, but I am not claiming to be rational or logical here!); that a freak blizzard will occur and we will be stuck at home or it will take us hours to get to the hospital....I could keep going, but I actually try not to entertain these ideas all that much.  

Take all three of those emotions and you have one exhausted lady.  It doesn't help that I only get a couple of hours of sleep at time because he is sitting on my bladder...but in the end, I think all this impatient anticipation is taking it out of me!  Oh well, soon enough, soon enough...right?